This post is kind of a heavy one but to be honest it needed to be written. Until I can freely talk about this it will always be a dirty little secret. I no longer want this as my dirty little secret or to define me as the person I am.
Before we had a child...okay me more like, I felt my life was more complete. We got to travel whenever we wanted to, I could buy 300 dollar shoes and not regret it or feel guilty about doing so. I put cosmetics on more and took care of myself. Now that I have a child I found that...okay here it goes the shameful admission, I became that frumpy Mum. I said that I would never be that person and here I am that person I didn't want to be.
My New Years Resolution was for I Callie Kalinyuk to take care of myself better and in turn I can care for my child better. At times I feel inadequate and not fulfilled I need more to my life then just my child. It's not that she doesn't make my life happier but I need more for myself. I need to finish my education, I need to feel better and more confidante about the body I was given after birth. I need to be less jealous of others who either are pregnant or just had a baby and that I'm not and won't be for a while. I need to not be jealous of people who have an easy time conceiving. I need to feel beautiful, and most importantly I need to feel wanted and cherished. My life growing up was very traumatising, and feeling abandoned by my own parents didn't help. A father who worked 3 jobs to support his 6 kids and his wife's previous marriage child and in turn was rarely home. A mother who was very warm and loving to others but to her own children and husband is abusive ,hurtful, controlling, cold and callous.
My in-laws however have been a god send. They love me and have labelled me with the moniker of a hero. They say I saved their son. He was not on a good path and I came into his life at the right time to save him from the wrong path. His parents are so proud of him and they visit when they can. They are proud of how far he has come. I am so proud of him as well. Since Nastya has been born I have lived for her and my husband. Now is my time to be a little more selfish. The first place I started was my head. I went to the saloon and got my hair done.
I have also been working on forgiveness. I am trying to do it with my parents first. I don't feel they did the best they could at raising us and the ones that are still at home, but I forgive them for how they treated me. I accept that they are the way they are and that they will not change. I am okay with that because I decided that until they want to be in our life I will refrain from their life. I will not send cards or presents or hello's. They will not be grandparent's to my daughter until they will make and effort to do so. It's not a right to be a parent or grandparent its a privilege. I was talking to my sister and I said I know I did some things out of stupidity, but "my past does not define me and who I am today." She agreed and this is for me, I'm not doing this to spite anyone or make them more mad. I'm doing this so that I as a women, a mother, a wife, a sister and as a best friend can grow and make me a better women, wife, sister and friend.
I still want to erase my childhood but it made me what I am today. It made me to be giving of my family that it hinders me. In some sense it has become to polar opposite of how I was brought up. My life isn't perfect and nor will it be and nor do I want it to be. Perfection is always waiting for the cracks to appear.
My favourite quote is
“We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” I love this quote because the "love" can be anything in your life. No one is perfect and so it gives me great pleasure to know that each and every day I work on myself and loving me for me.
Before hair done
After
